Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth, then I ask myself the same question...

   I don't care what the world knows about me just so long as my parents never finds out

   the font smaller, or am I on acid??

   So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real damn accomplishment.

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up... cause, you know... I'm still looking for ideas.

   It isn't until all's been said and done that you actually realize all you should have said and done.

   All I wanna do is have my mind erased

   Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?"

   Okay, so you Republicans taking office, we all expect a complete economic turnaround in less than two years. Got it?

   Maybe things would improve if we shipped Congress's jobs overseas too.

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   I'm afraid people can see me through my web cam even though its off.

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades...pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

   If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"

   If you want proof that one person can make a difference, punch a stranger in the face.

   realized that if no one can reach you.....you never have to waste time returning phone calls.

   next time my name is in your mouth I hope you choke on it ass =)