Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some Guy told me he had 6 pack abs but there was this thing covering them kinda jelly like. I said its called Fat!

   doing a study on paranoia by following people around town in my white Crown Vic with 4

   is wondering on which day God created Justin Bieber... couldn't he have rested on that day too?

   If your in my circle, Congratulations your a HAPPY person.

   I'm not a drunk. I just play one under the TV.

   An email virus caused millions of dollars in damages to home computers around the world this week. Time for some pay back...lets all punch a Nerd in the face!

   Beepedy,beep beep....

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

   I live in an apartment with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer

   Venus Williams has brought something different to the women's game – male genitalia.

   I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

   there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog sh*t? Actually, maybe somebody without a dog!

   No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been feeding off "I Don't Like Mondays" for 30 years.

   Ive not seen such a guilty face since I finished my jigsaw of O J Simpson

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters.

   I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently, they're not a "proper present".

   Why is it that people always point to their wrist when they ask what time it is? I don't see them pointing to their ass when they ask where that bathroom is!!!

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

   It's a shame that all the people who know how to run the country are all busy driving taxi's and cutting hair!

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.