Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why worry about the world ending today, Its tommorow in Japan.

   These pills aren't addictive - I've been taking them for years.

   The best wife to have is somebody else's.

   I know you, what's your name???

   You are so funny, but looks aren't everything!!

   Next dude I see on my newsfeed with a shirtless mirror pic is being defriended.. I dont care who you are

   I don't know why people say that pornography is degrading to women. They're not the ones sat in front of a laptop with their trousers and pants round their ankles at three o'clock in the afternoon. I like this!

   "No I'm not a Jonas, brother I'm a grown up. No I'm not a virgin I use my cahonas." Jay-Z

   Lets face it tubby....YOUR FAT ! I am not going to sugar coat it,...cause you eat that to .

   I work hard for the money......maybe someday I'll get to see it and enjoy it.

   If I give you a nickel will you tickle my pickle

   Had a great massage the other day, but I think I confused my masseuse by asking her for an "ambiguous, european-cinema-style ending."

   I wanna be a workaholic.. but workahol tastes like sh!t

   BREAKING NEWS: Entire Kardashian Family Diagnosed With "Attention Surplus Disorder".

   You work hard. You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference.. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.

   Facebook is the Hotel California of the new millennium. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave.

   I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".

   You know you have way too many Facebook friends and need to clean up your act when you search through your friends for someone named "Taffy" and it gives you choices.

   Men like to play pool because they want to know how it feels to hold a big stick and some big balls

   trading in his Chevy for a Cadillac-ack-ack-ack-ack