Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its so hot outside right now that I'm getting hot flashes... and I'm a man!

   Women spend 2% of their lives trying to figure out where bruises on their legs came from

   I need a redbull & a nap..

   Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.

   The only thing worse than awkward silence, is when that silence is broken by an awkward "Soooo anyways."

   I still stop conversations to join in for that "Hey! Must be the money!" part of the song.

   when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..

   Can we pretend the air-NO

   When you allow a Hypocrite to stand between you and God, guess who is closer to God...

   "Absolutely, sir. And what kind of pig would you like to hear?" (Real American, if he was in Deliverance)

   When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I'll wait a sec then ask "two man killing spree?"

   nearly 500 million eggs recalled, I'd hate to be the guy who has to put them back in the chickens.

   Thinks The "Ice Road Truckers" should fill their tires with helium so the trucks weigh less.

   Wonder if Southern Belles say "I do declare" a lot when they're doing their taxes.

   When a cat sees a sandbox, he must feel like a human viewing a 50 ft. toilet.

   ...Justin Bieber is new spokesperson for Proactiv. No wonder he has his hair combed forward. His forehead must look like Courtney Love's ass.

   Thanks for the sticker on your car telling me to remember 9/11. While you're at it, why not tell me to remember when my parents got divorced, when my dog died, and when my ex cheated on me.

   Just got back from visiting the future, was disapointed you weren't there. Can't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and bean dip.

   I saw a guy today that had a bedazzled cell phone. I thought it was kinda gay..... but then thought he might have stolen the phone and he might be a thug. The whole thing confused me.

   If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you...