Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy preaching in town today said to me"Madam do you believe in the second coming?" I said "with my hushusbandband I'm lucky if I come once!" I'm lucky if

   wondering what Tennesse Titans' nickname is, giving that Jacksonville Jaguars is "Jags" and Tampa Bay Bucaneers is "Bucs".

   realized his neighbors are devotion Catholic couple. He usually hears them yellin' "Oh! Jesus" every night.

   it me or 80% of handicap people don't actually suffer any handicapped situations at all.

   this is not a joke.....if an application for a dislike button comes up on your facebook DO NOT OPEN IT....it is a scam.Just thought I'd warn you folks!

   How come nobody ever says "everything happens for a reason" after something good happens?

   "I've just about had it with you using up all my patience!"

   They say behind every successful man is a woman. So whoever you are, come out here where I can see your face!

   I hate when I plan out a conversation with someone in my head and they don't follow the script.

   Man, that .01% of germs that can't be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad ass sh*t.

   Kids today will never experience the joy and excitement of hearing the sound of dial up internet actually connecting.

   It's never a good sign when you've exhausted your daily website routine within the first hour of being at work.

   so for some reason actually saw 5 minutes of twilight which has me placing garlic in all the toilets because pretty sure that's how vampires now enter your house

   Mom: With always having to pick up after you kids you'd think I'd be skinny. Kid: Just think how big you'd be if you didn't...

   There has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. This is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   whenever somebody says "Stop Laughing! It's not funny you guys" means "It's funny, just lets please laugh about it later"

   On an upcoming episode of "man vs wild" Bear encounters a crododile, shark invested waters and his most dangerous incounter, an out of control jet blue flight attendent.

   16-year-old Taylor Momsen says her best friend is her vibrator. In other news, Justin Bieber says he never goes anywhere without his buttplug.

   I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

   Looking through a girls photos and thinking "slut..slut..slut..slut" :D