Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!

   Little girl asked her father,do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time?The father replied,No, some begin with - If elected I promise..

   Note to vegetarians:Plants are living things to, they are just easier to catch.

   Here's a question...Why do girls take pictures together in the bathroom when they go out? I cant recall a single time my buddys and I have posed up for a photo in the john...does it smell like picture time or what??

   I wish jobs had a sick & tired of being sick & tired leave...

   Breaking News: Hero pigeon craps on A-Rod during 600th home run trot around the bases

   seriously doubting that the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about

   Brett Favre told the Vikings he is retiring today, but also said he will sign his new contract by Friday.

   You guys, this is my first ever facebook status update sent from a toilet. Did I do good?

   BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre sees his shadow. Six more weeks of retirement speculation ahead

   I love to whisper in a woman's ear. Not because I'm romantic, but because I don't want other people to hear me lying.

   Only Picasso would have said I look lovely this morning.

   I'm already deleting my drunk Facebook status updates, and it's not even tomorrow.

   I try to surround myself with happy, positive people, but sometimes they just really piss me off.

   "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

   Thanks to Facebook, I no longer check breaking news, celebrity obituaries or wonder what the current weather is like.

   AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT AUGUST 2010... This August has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years.

   Sometimes the birthday reminders on Facebook remind me of the friends I need to delete.

   When do you think Brett Favre will be retiring from making retirement announcements about retiring?

   One day you're going to look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.