Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m at the age where I have to stop myself from roundhouse kicking someone who says they’re soooo old when they turn 40.

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice

   St. Patrick’s Day is coming. Last year, I drank an entire bottle of green beer. It turned out to be Scope.

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch...

   No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything...

   Help wanted - Nobody wants to twerk anymore.

   I began to sweat and feel nauseous when I filled up my gas tank today. I must have the Car-Owner virus.

   I was happily watching a Bermuda Philharmonic concert when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   A guy at the gas station asked the clerk for $5 on pump 3. Where is he going? Pump 4??

   The Irish River Dance was started by a family that had 11 kids but only 1 bathroom.

   When Air Force One flies on electricity, that's when I'll buy an electric car.

   I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it.

   How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

   I’m not wearing green today because I have a pinching fetish.

   Me and the wife and been going back and forth on our future funeral plans.....My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   I've always wondered if jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog Roxy.

   YOUR WALLET: the only place our government is willing to drill..

   Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day...take down your Christmas decorations.

   how do you tell the difference between a gator & a croc? gator is a mask while croc is a shoe