Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new Lego store opened in my town. People were really excited about it. They were lined up for blocks.

   Million Dollar Idea: Dinosaur Chicken Nuggets that may cause drowsiness.

   Folks crying about $4 a gallon gas while in line for $6 coffee.

   Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse and thought .. Hmm maybe I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was ?

   There is no such thing as men's clogs.

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I’m overdrawn, I’m gonna tell them “We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it”.

   there some unwritten rule that Interstate construction needs to last 30 years?

   You know your country is in trouble when Afghanistan sends $50,000 in aid.

   The only Catholic announcements I’m interested in this week are St. Patrick’s Day Bar specials.

   My yogurt just moved. Would that be Paranormal Activia.

   it was Selection Sunday, so March Madness has officially arrived. Twelve hours a day of college basketball — or as sports fans call it, payback for "The Bachelor."​

   My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching CNN News.

   I just read that people eat more bananas than monkeys. Makes sense to me. I've never eaten a monkey.

   There’s more than one way to skin a cat but I don't think the cat will like any one of them.

   I'm at the age where it is considered rude to pull out a bottle of Ibuprofen unless you have enough for everyone.

   So you're telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it's cute, but when I do it I need an intervention?

   This is great! An extra hour of sunshine to melt all the snow.

   Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat. No weirdos please.

   At the age of 101 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   Top Tip: If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.