Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turbo Tax is the worst computer game ever.

   Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

   When this pandemic is over I still want some of you to stay away from me.

   Cougars talk a good game until you get them in bed and it's all "Don't push my legs back too far." OK Paulette.

   Women who get their belly button pierced need to hang an air freshener to it.

   Ever wonder what it feels like being Putin? Try my three-bean salad.

   All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

   I bought my husband a chair but the state won't let me plug it in.

   She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

   The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

   I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

   Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

   Number one Pick Up Line for 2022: “I have a full tank of gas.”

   Happy birthday to Kmart. And as always, thank you for the awesome suits.

   Every other countries policy: you don't work, you don't eat! USA policy: you work, you don't eat!

   It really sucks being in your late 30's early 40's. Last month I just coughed the wrong way, and my back went out for a week.

   I really don't understand some people. They tell everyone to think for themselves and have your own freedom, yet they like bring told what to do by a fat, orange man. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

   I miss the days when people’s biggest concern was Marilyn Manson.

   I grilled a chicken for two hours, but I couldn't get it to sing.

   can't believe I'm finally done.. wait I'm kidding!