Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An obese orange man just called Putin a genius. If that doesn't seems unpatriotic to you, then nothing will.

   China into Taiwan next. You heard it here first.

   I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

   Oh Snap..Gonna miss the Oscars again. That will make 50 yrs. in a row now.

   .Everyday I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the LP's I never paid for back in 1973-75.

   There's a fine line between crazy & free spirited and it's usually a prescription.

   Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

   Congrats you survived pandemic by getting your shots so your reward is World War III

   completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

   If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

   Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

   If two people love each other nothing is impossible. Except deciding where to eat.

   I don't know about you, but Ef-Az-Zzee's "impregnate" comment really creeped me out.

   The more money you make, the more it costs to make it.

   Being single be like, "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (Thanks, I feel so special.)

   Dude with a 2 x 4 tonight said he was gonna beat the stupid out of me,I told him to come back with a bigger stick

   If you are a new waiter at a Chinese restaurant does that make you the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   Buzz Aldrin is kind of narcissistic. I saw him giving a speech and he said, "I am the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me."

   I took lessons from a half-wit and held onto it all.

   Just noticed I shaved really unevenly, but it should be okay...I don't think I'll be taking my pants off in this grocery store again.