Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”

   Slow down Biden, you don't have the ruin the country your first week in office

   What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

   me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.] person: take $6??

   I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

   My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

   [Vaccination center] Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

   Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra. Now both arms are sore

   Biden won because Don's a con.

   Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?

   I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. I just didn’t expect everyone around me to keep bowling.

   To all 6 of you who like the jokes I post, I do it all for you!

   Show her you care this Valentine's Day by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   Find the man strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   Find the man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   Waiter: Would you like a Chef's Salad, Caesar Salad or Cobb Salad salad with your ribeye? Me: None. I don't eat the food my food eats.

   Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot

   Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

   oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

   shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.