Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.

   Can’t believe we gave up hunting and gathering to pay rent.

   A woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a hot day. Full of eggs and appealing for only a short time.

   Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

   My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

   why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

   Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance

   an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

   I took out $15,000 of student loans and since I graduate last May I repaid $2,000 and now I am so glad to share that I only have $15,633 left to pay

   How is Peter Parker selling pictures of himself dressed as Spider-Man any different from onlyfans

   As a kid my father used to hit me with his camera. I still get flashbacks

   Whenever I email a girl I like with my old flip phone I always make sure to finish it off by writing "Sent by IPhone 5G Mobile Device" so she thinks I'm hip.

   I parked in front of gym today & ate lunch #Babysteps

   The IRS started the post ya kids challenge so they can verify y’all dependents 🥴‼️

   today I'll be celebrating MLK day...I'm going to sleep in late & have a dream

   Move heathen! Get out of my way! Move heathen! Get out of my way! - me driving down the highway in the morning

   Happy MILK day...!

   I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

   If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”