Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you dated a Sagittarius or a Leo don't worry about what's in the Vaccine

   Funny how children make accidents in darkness but accidents in the dark make children.

   I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

   *stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark -me as a tattoo artist

   My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

   My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

   Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

   Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

   My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger?

   i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

   I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions. Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

   [6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

   It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

   There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   When they washed your brain did they press it after words?

   I bought a new Jacuzzi without consulting my wife first. Now I'm in hot water.

   Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

   We need to stop looking at our country in terms of right and left, yet instead focus on right and wrong.