Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Prefer to do socially distance exchange and will place in front of house for you pickup. Leave money in neighbor's mailbox.

   I celebrated 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions.

   Hope all of you who received a book from me for Christmas thoroughly enjoy them! Oh and don't forget they need to be back the library by the 30th.

   This $600 causing problems already. My cousin drove by here real slow. And I only owe him $8...tf

   And just like that, the left support police officers.

   Well it was a solid 5 days. Here's to 2022! 🥂

   If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.

   I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.

   Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

   While walking outside a random lady walks up to me. Her: No mask? Me: No underwear either.

   I still can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   I lost my watch at a party once.An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party.Infuriated, I immediately went over,punched him in the face and broke his nose.No one does that to a woman,not on my watch

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other person's side, and the correct side.

   Maybe when the stuff was going down at the Capitol on Wednesday, the Government should have sent in Social Workers instead of the police.

   Anyone know how long it takes to get hearing aids back from repair? I sent mine off two weeks ago and haven't heard anything since

   My Mom sent me a friend request.... BLOCKED, you not one of my lil friends remember?

   If you gonna keep going back to a toxic relationship, deactivate yer social media

   Can you give someone a skin graft from your butt Ass skin for a friend.

   I can’t work as a cashier. The minute your card declines imma say “DAMNNN!”

   I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words