Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog has been looking for a spot to sh*t since 1958.

   Can’t, getting kicked out of the living room for snickering when my son’s teacher said “Where am I gonna put the bone?”

   We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.

   The dating pool definitely has pee in it

   i miss when my mom would fix girls nails after they got in a fight for free if they showed her the fight video

   One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

   how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

   You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

   He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

   By the time we can have a drink in a bar again, Captain Morgan will be an Admiral.

   My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention: Pick your nose

   My son said he washed his teeth all by himself and now I'm afraid to go in his bathroom...

   What ever happened to Olive, the other reindeer?

   I hope people who wear their masks on their chin not covering their face at all just so they can say that they're wearing a mask know that they look like something their contraceptive fell off of.

   If you thought 2020 was bad, wait until 2021 when it's old enough to drink.

   Hello I am new user and I would to ask you, How to disable a pm?

   When you think about it, snow is nothing more than "rain, rain go away", that doesn't go away. It lies on the ground mocking you.

   Praying Mantis wife: Are you cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave you that idea?

   I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

   Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.