Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."

   My Mom finally brought my Dad’s urn into the living room and placed it on the mantle. It caught everyone a little off guard including my Dad who was just sitting there watching Duck Dynasty.

   Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

   *feeling chest pain* probably need more pie

   This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

   I vote for Chinx getting the vaccine last.

   Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

   Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...

   wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March

   Which wine pairs best with Spicy chicken Ramen ?

   All I want for Christmas is a stimulus check.

   Official quote of 2020 ... "YOU'RE ON MUTE !!"

   Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

   Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

   In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

   Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

   its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.

   Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."