Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.

   Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign? Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

   subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

   Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

   I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.

   Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner. Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

   I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

   I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

   App: This app would like to use your location. Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

   I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

   I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

   Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?

   Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

   [inventor of teapot] “I want this water to scream”

   Remember: Wearing a mask when driving a car by yourself is only helpful if you stole the car.

   Not to panic anyone, but Mad Max took place in the year 2021.

   to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car

   Be kind to the people wearing masks while driving who might be the people delivering your food.

   Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse!