Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

   heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and one of them stood up and said “i’m mcdone with u” and left

   I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

   I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

   80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

   My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

   Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

   Momma, I hid my milk! -A Parenting Horror Story

   I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

   Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

   I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

   I'm so old I forgot it was my birthday until I got the facebook reminder.

   I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...

   Orange Man bad? Let him who is without sin cast the first ballot.

   Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷

   I'm naming my TV remote Joe for obvious reasons.

   Jeffrey Toobin said he was willing to lend a hand, with Thursdays debate.

   They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.

   *neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car* you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.