Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Now who is holding up the stimulus checks. yep you guessed wicked witch of the East Capitol.

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

   Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

   me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog

   Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

   "I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing

   As a man, never watch your woman struggle to pay bills ... dump her and find one that has some money.

   I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

   I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.

   Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.

   I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

   My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

   Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

   Four years has past and we's not alls rich yet. What in the moonshine happened?

   Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

   I was on the phone earlier with a friend in upstate New York. We touched on the weather. She said, "It's wet, gloomy and mostly in the 40's. I said that sounds like my sƐx life.

   Autocorrect can be your best fiend or your worst enema.