Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   [at the auto parts store] Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chrysler Counter Guy: What size engine

   Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

   YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

   People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

   Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.

   Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

   I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

   A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.

   Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   “That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians

   I want Pizza not your opinion

   I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

   Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”

   Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long

   I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.