Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re driving down the road alone with your gloves and mask on, you don’t need that Biden sticker. We already know.

   To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

   SYNONYM [Noun] A word used in a place of the one you can't spell.

   If 2020 was a drink, I'm thinking it would be a Colonoscopy Prep.

   Well, Dwayne Johnson has COVID. Coronavirus really hit Rock Bottom.

   It's no longer 5:00 somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere. Drink whenever the hell you want.

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying

   The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies.

   I'm so old I just sit around and look at Facebook all day.... like younger people do nowadays.

   Gonna crash a tanker full of pink oil into a delicate coral reef for my next gender reveal party.

   People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs: 1. Colonialists 2. Sisters

   Friend: Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.... Me: Yeah, that and crabs.

   When I was young I could climb mountains. Now, I have to steady myself to fart.

   First Responders of 911 were not honored by the NFL last night. A rapist was.

   Saw a mail truck in the cemetery today. I guess they have started delivering the ballots!

   This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.

   Excited to be able to bet on the NFL again. I got money on the coronavirus shutting down the league in week3.

   Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.

   Feel bad for all the kids who probably won't be trick-or-treating this year, but just think of all the candy they'll be for 50% off the day after!

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.