Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   price doesn't always equal quality. A 50 dollar hooker works harder than 250 dollar hooker.

   I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.

   Okay. So they can make fake meat out of plants. Try really impressing us and make a watermelon out of a London Broil.

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   Fact Checkers didn't exist until the truth started to get out.

   The gender reveal device that started those fires in California must've said the kid was gonna be a flamer.

   with school starting back tomorrow, don't forget to thank the bus driver #Fortnite

   I say Back to work. Do strippers say Back to Twerk?

   Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

   To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

   I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if I'm swallowing them whole

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

   Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different. I thought she meant the gym. I wondered why my cereal tasted funny

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

   My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

   Sometimes I wonder how many times Wolverine has hurt himself sneezing

   Amber Alert, but for the TV remote