Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently my wife was just tying her shoe, and didn't want to play leapfrog

   Guys, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be nice and wipe the seat.

   The biggest problem in society today is that there is an entire generation of younger people that have never been punched in the face.

   [3am] Me: My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

   A Match(.com), but for socks.

   it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year, ..today I bought a 5lb bag.

   Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

   Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

   My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

   I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

   I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

   With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

   Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you Nancy.

   You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

   I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

   Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

   You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   I can’t wait for Halloween. I have been practicing all year.

   If you can't afford to tip your food delivery drivers working in the pandemic maybe you should try to save some money by eating at home.