Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

   Betcha Slick Willie Brown has Kamala nude pics on cell phone

   I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

   Why does sour cream have an expiry date?

   USPS: Never mail cash or valuables. Dems: The USPS is safe and secure.

   Clear something up for us, Cardi B. Is it your @ss or your pu$$y that's wet?

   If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...

   I want to find a woman that speaks in Cliff Notes.

   If men are stronger than women, why do men in Video Games need full plate armor and a woman only needs a chainmail bikini?

   .. To make sure they will arrive on time, I'm mailing my Christmas cards now.

   Spoiler alert. It's sour cream

   Anybody else having a problem with theit Good Year tires pulling hard to the left???

   I love to change the world but I don't know what to do, so I leave it up to you to wear a mask. Ten Years After,

   With our election choices, I now know how hard it is to be a gold digger!

   If I weren’t so angry I would feel horrible for all the bIack Iives so weak of mind and spirit that they let a bunch of old, white politicians tell them they aren’t good enough to be productive members of society.

   In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   QAnon is nothing but a trailer park Scientology.

   “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

   Bob the Builder: can we fix it? Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

   I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.