Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?

   The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   Lego is offensive to people with bad knees.

   Went to Walmart today & y'all should've seen all the commotion. Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, and Uncle Ben were protesting, Texas Pete and Capt. Morgan were getting drunk, Little Debbie was working the corner, and Jimmy Dean was showing everybody his sa

   If they are taking all the letters of the alphabet, what will we use?

   Popeye's Chicken is offensive to guys who have ridiculously large forearms with anchors tattooed on them and really skinny girlfriends.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

   I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

   Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

   Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

   Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

   So, how's that "I wouldn't live anywhere else" thing working out for you New Yorkers?

   Bought some glass parts for my chandelier today and got shortchanged. I told him to check his crystal math.