Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?

   Since we are cancelling COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   Quaker Oats is retiring Aunt Jemima products after 130 years on the market due to an outcry of racism. Next up: The removal of Pillsbury mascot Poppin' Fresh, due to numerous complaints from short, chubby white guys.

   If a friend's bathroom doesn't have a hand towel out, it's okay to dry your hands on the shower curtain. ~Man card rule 23

   I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

   My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

   Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

   Crazy episode of Judge Judy on right now. This guy was a month late on his rent and she just gave him the electric chair.

   Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.

   Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.

   The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.

   When your greatest contribution to the world is peanut butter, it's time to face reality and take your proper place on the evolutionary chart.

   I'm waiting for them to dump Col. Sanders. Last thing we need right is a fried chicken pitchman who looks like a southern plantation owner.

   Think the Covid19 is bad? Wait till you catch the "Blue Flu"

   I'm preemptively preparing for the upcoming pancake shortage. 🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞� �🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞

   And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

   I called the book store and asked for some new book I had heard about on improving one's s€x life. The clerk said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." I go, "Yep, that's the one!"