Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at the store with my 2 kids. A guy asked me if they were twins. I told him, "One is 8 and the other is 4, why would you ask that?" He said, "I can't believe you got laid twice!"

   Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.

   Bl@ck History Month reminds us that peanut butter was invented by a bl@ck guy... One can only assume "Chunky" was in reference to his white girlfriend.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.

   Everytime I see someone not wearing a mask in public that alternative Queen song that goes No mask on your face you big disgrace spreading your germs all over the place pops into my head.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼

   We debated for years what the participation trophy generation would turn out to be. Now we know.

   All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

   Finally cleans my toaster tray Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

   I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

   A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

   Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked.

   Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

   My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter. She’s my Japaniece..

   To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.

   You can save 15% or more on your HOSPITAL BILL by switching to BLM.

   Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"