Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love when I take the time to type out a long text message to a friend and they reply with "K"

   I prefer to take my quarantine recommendations from scientists, not the guy with 3 teeth and a beer-stained wife beater.

   19 people died in Chicago this week from Covid-related gunshot wounds. They will be voting by mail.

   It's a beautiful (alluring, dazzling, gorgeous, magnificent, pulchritudinous, radiant, resplendent, splendid, stunning) day in the neighborhood. - Mr. Roget's Thesaurus

   When I was a kid we were so poor I had dandruff flakes for breakfast.

   I can't get a break. I bought a can of evaporated milk, opened it up...it was full.

   Worried about social distancing when you're out? Dress up as a clown and make it other people's problem

   An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure so wear a mask. Benjamin Franklin,

   I love reading books that are based on real events but spiced up with a little fiction to keep your interest, kinda like people's Facebook posts.

   Someone told me they never understood the concept of cloning, I replied "That makes two of us"

   It rained here in Arizona today, but it was a dry rain.😛

   If we continue wearing these masks for another year kids will start to think that a nose is a private part

   What's up with Chicanos putting cheese on apple pie? Asking for a gringo. 🥧

   Bars are opening but patrons are wearing masks. It is the era for ugly people with nice bodies to get laid.

   My fiancee keeps asking, "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really strange way to start a conversation

   Just when I'm feeling proud to be an American, The Connors comes on.

   Just when I'm happy to be alive, The Connors comes on.

   I've got no status update right now. But thanks for taking the time out to read this status update about not having a status update!

   That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.

   Arguing on social media never changes anyones minds. Change my mind