Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home

   At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist

   2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, were the years I was in my prime.

   Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.

   I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

   I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

   What are Jared Kushner's qualifications? Screwing the boss' daughter.

   Wonder why kids set out milk and cookies for Santa, but not a salad for the Easter Bunny.

   A fun way to celebrate Palm Sunday while self-isolating is to slap your loved ones in the face and yell “Palm Sunday”.

   And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

   88% of parenting is begging your kids to cover their mouth when coughing.

   Parents, here's a way to keep your kids busy for awhile on Easter, let them have an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.

   If a man calls you a doll, it doesn't always mean a barbie. Could be a Chucky.

   I can't find any masks, gloves, or hand sanitizers. Long story short, I just now paid for the premium version of McAfee antivirus. Let's what happens.

   Dear Netflix, Thanks for all the great movies but can you please stop adding one's about pandemics as I'm fully capable of turning on the news. Thanks!

   While watching him give a speech on TV, I increased the brightness but it didn't work.

   Since soap kills COVID 19, have you guys tried just eating Tide Pods again?