Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I built a makeshift barrier at each end of my street to keep the virus out. Someone tore it down and hauled it away. I need to find them and get my bed and sofa back!

   Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

   Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

   Forget the $1,200 stimulus check. I rather get a dollar for every lie he has told us.

   Lysol commercial says apply to things I touch most. I have a feeling this is going to burn

   Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

   Funny how by doing the responsible thing by staying home the more homeless you look.

   I think I had coronavirus back in November. Same symptoms and they couldnt catalog it.

   You're just not buying enough guns! More are needed!

   We need guns to protect ourselves from the Coronavirus.

   Waxing places are closed, so carpets are growing back. Beauty salons are closed, so the carpets are matching the drapes.

   This is the longest something made in China has lasted.

   Too bad the Coronavirus doesn't act like elections. Mostly those who'll get it are in New York and California.

   Last night I made the last of the dishes on the Huffington Post list of "25 Foods You Have To Eat Before You Die." So I guess this is goodbye.

   I built my entire itch-cream business from scratch.

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

   Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

   [stuck at home] son: omg so bored daughter: omg so bored wife: omg so bored me: omg so bored dog: this is the greatest day of my life

   day 1 of quarantine: I have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt