Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whelp I think I stocked up on enough coffee to hold me over for the next 3 years, but does anyone have a little milk for it I can borrow?

   I'm so old this is like the 10th time they said the world was going to end, and somehow I've always survived.

   Forget the stocks. What's the market looking like on truck stop blowjobs? Competition is through the roof.

   I have a sore throat, a headache and a dry cough. We all know what that means. I'm never buying weed from Alowishus Jackson again.

   I’m really liking this social distancing rule. Can we make this law?

   I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...

   The reason stores are running out of toilet paper is because when one person sneezes the other 100 poop themselves. ‬

   St Patrick's Day resulted in the least DUI's ever.

   Yeah, losing St. Patrick's Day was sad. But damn, it was truck month.

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   I'm a magician. An overweight magician. My most famous trick is putting on a Speedo and having it disappear instantly.

   China 🇨🇳 Just Released The Name Of The Person Who Had The First Coronavirus.. Ah Chu

   Flights so low I got Bible study in Jerusalem tomorrow

   2020 must-have downloaded something from Limewire!!!

   If this really turns out to be the end of days there are a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses that I owe an apology to.

   We all need to join together and practice social distancing.

   I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."

   Ran out of T.P. and discovered Pledge furniture wipes. Now my pants won't stay up.

   Yeah, no, sorry. Not gonna do "My Corona." - Weird Al Yankovic

   I saw those Italy videos of people singing in Italy so I started singing to my neighbor and one lady told me to shut the *&^% up