Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

   I'll keep my money, my guns, and my freedom, and you can keep the "socialist ideas"

   A guy broke into our apartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels

   Reminder for this weekend..Avoid hangover.........stay drunk...

   Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been around for years: they call it 'cash.'

   Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day in about 3 weeks...take down your Christmas decorations.

   I was at the park flying my kite and this guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   f a Police Officer says "Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence..." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer..."

   the greatest four words any one could ever say to a woman "have you lost weight?"

   Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...

   The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"

   Don't forget that Saturday, February 29th is Leap Day just in case Daylight Saving Time didn't throw you off enough.

   what do you call it when a cow is sitting down? ... ground beef

   I'm going to get married on February 29th so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

   I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, milking the cows, slopping the hogs, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   My boss said that I intimidate coworkers. I stared at him until he apologized.

   What do you call a wolf that has everything figured out? Aware Wolf.

   I am not setting a bad example...I am the perfect example of what not to do!

   I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”