Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   Flip phones are coming back into style which means I'll finally look cool using my old one that's more streamlined and cost $1,400 less.

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   There will soon come a day when the only thing we'll use modern technology for is to reminisce about how good things were before modern technology.

   Please create a password. Your password must contain a capital letter, and number, a special character, and emoji, eight elements of the periodic table and a short story with a protagonist, character development and a plot twist at the end

   I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

   I'm so old I remember when the Beatles where are the New Kids on the Block.

   You'll know you've grown old when your 6 pack abs turn into a keg.

   Richard Nixon's wife once asked him to make her a pot roast. He replied, "I am not a cook."

   People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania. He was going to b

   to finish below status, to be born in Kenya but it wasnt socialist enough.

   It's snowing! And I think I'll go outside now for 30 seconds to take a selfie so all my Facebook friends can see how much I love the snow.

   Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate...

   With Burger King's new commercial of the Whopper growing mold I guess I won't be saving them anymore for the next 34 days.

   My wife is reading all the 's' word in the dictionary. I think she's up to something.

   Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

   Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lymes disease

   I've just been promoted at my job as a bike mechanic. I'm now the spokesperson.

   Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...

   Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.