Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took some ex-lax cookies to work for Valentines. With friends like me, who needs enemas?

   What happens when 2 Egyptians pass gas at the same time? They have a toot in common.

   You know you're in a blue state when a no kill animal shelter is on the same block as the abortion clinic.

   I don't accept friend requests from people with no photos, a photo of someone playing a guitar, or photos that have more filters than Brita.

   Thanks a lot Martin Luther my new LED toenail clippers won't be delivered tomorrow...

   Who will protect the good folks of Sussex now that their Prince ditched them??

   So is Tom Brady related to Marcia, Greg & Cindy ?

   Why do football players wait until the last 5 minutes of the 4th quarter to play with any real intensity?

   I wonder why nobody from the retirement community attended my lecture on "Youth in Asia"?

   About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...

   Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.

   I wish all women online were in 3D. That's my apartment #. 3D

   I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me

   According to Pinterest, I'm severely under-utilizing mason jars.

   wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

   You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

   I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn't allowed to hit me.

   So studies now show pot isn't as good for you as people thought. You can drop dead from smoking a Joint. Hell of a way to meet Bob Marley.

   I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.

   Tip:Don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape.