Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was yelled at by a Delta flight attendant for asking if I could change my seat away from a crying baby. Okay so the crying baby was mine.

   "It doesn't bother me that my wife goes out to play BINGO every night. It's the coming back home part that does.

   Yesterday in my nude yoga class I had all my students stand behind me so I could show them the proper technique of the downward dog position, not one student showed up for class this morning.

   A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

   I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

   "Hey. My eye is up here." - hurricanes

   Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

   Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

   It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

   I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.

   "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict" "Sir, this is a cheese counter"

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

   I'm in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

   Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects

   I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.

   [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me

   Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

   93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

   Your dating profile said you were a night owl........eat this mouse.