Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn

   My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.

   The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

   Interviewer: how are you with excel Me: I hate it Interviewer: an experienced user then

   Technically, you can pick your friend's nose. Probably only once, tho...

   If you want to look at who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.

   How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

   "The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   "I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."

   How can he be full of crap if he needs to flush his toilet 10 times when he done crapping?

   If you have a crush on me tell me b4 I invest my Valentines Money in Mutual funds

   Today’s the start of the “Christmas hangover.” The holidays are over and everyone is getting their credit card bills. I just got mine and I can’t believe I spent that much on the Thigh Master.

   Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.

   It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

   I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

   Went to a strip club last night. The women were super hot and the comedian was hilarious. I was laughing so hard.

   DNC senators: Ha ha ha swear to be impartial even though I know this is a coup and it has no grounds

   I really want to meet a redneck, hillbilly who own stocks.

   Guilt is simply God's way of letting us know that we're having a real good time.