Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..

   Dr. Phil was on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called “not getting your arse* beat”!

   I may not be the skinniest or the best looking out there, but let me tell you something. I'm also not the smartest..

   The first rule of passive aggressive club is, y'know what, never mind, it's fine...

   A penny saved is more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

   ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.

   I think it's great that they're going to send a woman to the Moon which will be one small step for mankind one giant leap for women.

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   It was a perfect call! To prove it, let's block all witnesses and ignore all subpoenas.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.

   If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs. If I had some eggs.

   I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

   Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

   No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   There is a fine line between "I'm not doing anything except looking at Facebook" & " I'm not doing anything because I'm looking at Facebook"

   Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

   I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...