Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter. Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.

   Me come to US of A to kill moose and squirrel. Somehow me marry fat, old, rich guy who never shutting up and live too long.

   I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

   Fact checking is hate speech!

   I very much doubt God wants you to hate anyone.

   Just about all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as head of household.

   You know you're fat when you only need a cup of water in the tub when taking a bath.

   I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.

   Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

   -first day at NASA- colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 me: do you guys do this in every elevator

   Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

   : Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

   No you can't throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that's literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

   I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

   Do you have trouble making decisions? Well, yes and no.

   Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis, You know who you are, I think?

   Come join the world wide movement called "I pledge to bend over and pick up a random piece of garbage on the street or wherever I see it" movement. Like and share if you like to join!

   With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.

   *me traveling back in time* *follows Albert Einstein* *waits for him to trip* *yells "Way to go, Einstein!"* *returns satisfied to present-time*

   My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.