Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.

   *My mother inlaw is so old, that she has an autograph copy of the Bible.

   * You know you're old when your pants waistband is up to your nipples.

   I don't care how old I am. If a toy says "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons...

   Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

   Accidentally typed Sybian instead of Simba and let me tell you Disney themed p 0rn does not screw around

   I'm so excited as Justin Bieber has a new single out!.....just seeing who my real friends are.

   Today is January 5. I still have quite a lot of last-minute shopping to do.

   *The only differance between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.

   January is the month that people are most likely to be fired — especially if you’re an elf.

   I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   I'm tired of girlfriends treating me like a god, as in only call on me when they need something and ignore me the rest of the time.

   Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to keep on my toes.

   Like a blind man in an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through

   I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.

   Does any one want 200 broken triple A batteries? There's no charge.

   I don't believe I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this without being on any medication.

   Have you read the Dr. Seuss book about an elephant at a rock concert? Its called "Horton Hears The Who."