Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What am I supposed to do with all this coal?

   Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."

   excuses are like farts.... anyone can make them but nobody likes them

   My new years weight loss plan is eating pasta and then antipasta.

   My New Year's resolution is to not make any New Year's resolutions.

   Went to the fifth largest city in France for vacation. It was Nice.

   My New Year's resolution is to delete my account and open facebook recovery centers across the nation.

   For Sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Cheap. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   Remember at the stroke of midnight new years eve to lift your left leg, so you'll start the new year on the right foot.

   The guy below doesn't seem to get that everyone knows he posts nonsense.

   I got one of those Instant Pot gadgets for Christmas. What a load of BS. 3 days now and it hasn't produced any weed whatsoever. Instant Pot my eye.

   Dear you people. Why are you crying about the Home Alone 2 cut which was done in 2014???? Are you people really proud of being stupid?

   Actually, we're crying about Home Alone 2 period.

   This girl I know said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207

   If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.

   I read Marie Kondo's book about tidying up...now I'm getting a divorce

   In two days my optometrist promised me 2020 vision.

   My ability to remember a song lyric from the 80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen. ‬

   I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

   Don't forget to reset your calendars December 31st at midnight!