Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

   Judging by the way I just reacted to not being able to find the TV remote, I’m not the type of person you’d want around in a crisis

   The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

   The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.

   Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

   I'm 45 and I would still be tickled pink to wake up Christmas morning to a Barbie Dream House with accessories.

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

   Remember the time when you said that you hire the best people, then all those people went to prison? That was awesome!

   Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

   The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life. Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

   HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke

   Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.

   mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word