Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

   Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?

   Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   I'm just playing devils avocado here

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   If aliens ever flew overhead and observed me walking my dog leading me around with a leash picking up his poop behind him I wonder if they would confused who's in charge of this world?

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   Just so you know, only looking out for yourself and abandoning everyone else isn't very Christian like. You know that's true.

   I'm pretty sure Jesus never taught people to only look after themselves and to ignore the poor and hungry.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...

   Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

   It’s like all of my wife’s friends say - stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

   Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

   “Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

   A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

   If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.

   I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

   "I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope

   Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.