Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am trashing the living room right now and spilling milk and cereal on the kitchen floor, then I will throw toys all over the yard.... this way the kids will be able to rest tomorrow.

   Celine Dion announced she's pregnant with twin boys. So this time next year she'll have 2 boys running around in diapers.....well 3 if you count her husband

   Cleveland fans can order the new LeBron phone. It only vibrates because it doesn't come with a ring.

   Someone please tell Barack I'm BAROKE.

   Does anyone else find the irony in Sarah Jessica Parker doing those facial cream commercials for a younger looking face?

   wondering how long before my boss realizes I'm busy on facebook instead of typing his damn letters...?

   Want to fight? Stick your head up your butt and fight for air.

   the grass may be greener on the other side... but it is just as hard to mow.

   why aren't there any puerto ricans on the show Star Trek? answer..cause they don't plan to work in the future either!!!

   (Insert insignificant nonsense that nobody else cares about here)

   why does looking at animals covered in oil make me sad, but looking at animals covered in batter and deep-fried in oil make me hungry?

   Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.

   Would y'all be surprised if one of Lebrons ancestors escaped from slavery?

   But Your Honor, you have to admit that kidnapping the President of the National Stuttering Association and making him say "Lady Gaga" to gain his freedom IS pretty funny.

   Honk if you love Jesus, text while driving if you want to meet him.

   87x/59(1 x)=(18*7x)*(67-x).....f*ck this, I'm going to be a stripper.

   Women are like refrigerators; cold on the inside, you always want to put your meat in them, and they all belong in the kitchen.

   If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

   Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?

   doing the exact opposite of what his/her horoscope says.