Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

   *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

   I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

   Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.

   It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

   *Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

   COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running. ME: Hammocking is better than both.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he won't come to you anyway.

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.

   Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!

   Car washes are just another shower to cry in.

   [At work] What can I do to pass the time?

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.