Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump was chosen to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, but he couldn’t go because of bone-spurs.

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   me: hold me while I sleep anaesthesiologist: no

   I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were good years.

   If you found your wife or husband on a dating website, it’s only romantic if it isn’t 3 years after you got married.

   Imagine a world where everyone looked like their profile pictures.

   Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn’t have legalized marijuana

   I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.

   Are there any medium rappers? They’re all lil’ or big.

   No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number.

   Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave Popcorn manufacturers: you touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contain real lemons?

   I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining to you why you're wrong.

   Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

   Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

   Don't blame me for the world's problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

   Sorry I was so happy about David Koch kicking the bucket. Next time I'll try and be more tactful, like Trump was when McCain died.

   The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement without movement.

   not telling you