Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My way of asking a girl I like out on a date is to say "Will you run away with me to have coffee?" that works like a charm.

   Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls

   I have a friend who can tap dance backwards. His name is Pat

   I rather be sleepy or crazy than doppy.

   First that idiot cut me off in traffic, then he steals my parking spot, and now his stupid car got paint on my key!

   I have one of the best memories of all time, but I can never remember what I did.

   I think tomorrow I'll put on a T-Shirt that says "LIFE" and then go downtown and pass out lemons.

   I love the poorly educated. Laughter would be scarce without them.

   I used to work at a bakery. It was a crumby job, but I made a lot of dough.

   idiot at the gym today.. He had a bottle of water in the Pringles can holder on the treadmill.. Freaking loser.

   Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small, and some are fake.

   We were so poor, that when I was a baby I instead of wearing diapers, my parents paper trained me.

   Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

   I decided to start working out today. Practicing my jabs, hooks, and uppercuts for the day after Easter candy clearance sale!!

   Happy earth day, earth. Sorry we're destroying your ass.

   Folks, there's zero % chance a candidate will pay off your student loans if elected. They're just pandering for all those votes...

   The 400 lb man, who demanded flight attendants to wipe his butt has died. Good riddance.

   Land of the free, home of the Whopper.

   Class? Hardcore girl-on-girl porn is considered class? The human race is fcked up. Please kill us all now, God.

   transparent- noun, when your child is transgender, you are their transparent