Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.

   It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

   They say one in a group of ten men is a ferry. So I think it's my buddy Steve in my group of friends..... He's really cute.

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.

   In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras

   If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.

   The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

   After the 7th day of January. Please keep your "Happy New Year" messages to yourself. We probably, have already cried, been depressed, been angry at someone, eaten leftover food more than once and paid an unexpected bill. It's no longer new or happy.

   In an another universe there's a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep and has just captioned it as "Diner is served" on social media.

   It's R Kelly weather out there today!!! By that I mean it's in the teens..

   The cemeteery has raised its burial cost. They're blaming the cost of living.

   OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?

   Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.