Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."

   Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs and oil filter in my car. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   Show up JUST ONCE at the office wearing a grey jumpsuit and a hockey mask and they ask you to NEVER COME BACK!!!

   Halloween is like any other day. People pretending to be someone their not.

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   Girls love surprises until they get a finger in da butt...

   I'm still trying to find where that gold is at in these "the golden years"

   Sometimes I turn to Vodka Sometimes I turn to God either way I'm guided by spirit

   People are so quick to think you smoke when they see a lighter in your room. Did you stop to think for a second that maybe, just maybe I use it to heat up heroin in my teaspoon Abigail?

   Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.

   Halloween isn't the only day people have trouble desiding what to be.

   You know you're relationship is in trouble when you realize you care more about your dog than your significant other.

   Roses are red, facebook is blue no mutual friends, who the hell are you?

   With all the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas iteam for sale at the sametime in the stores they should call it Hallogivemas sale.

   I'm surprised the weather channel hasn't started naming the caravans......

   If I see 1 more person texting and driving,I'm rolling down my window and throwing my bong at them..

   I'm going to be an endangered species this year for Halloween.... An english speaking troubleshooting operator .

   Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"