Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   Please don't give me any of your attitude. I already have plenty of my own.

   If you try to heat a tortilla on the stove and let pieces get stuck on the coils your parents failed you

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.

   Start each day with a smile and get it over with.

   One thing to say to the 93 year old lady who won the lottery, "Hey, How ya doin?"

   What I learned in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   There's a further south than South America?

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   It’s so funny to wake up each day and see ppl in their 20s, 30s,40s, acting like two year olds. Go back to your safe place because there’s 6 more years to go

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   I'm very happy that I'm not a vegan, that would have been a big miss steak

   Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.