Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

   It's not so much that I love karate as that I hate wooden - planks!

   Life is short. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me, then I will.

   What I if told you, you read that first part wrong?

   I asked my friends, "Are you Ok?" and they replied, "Yes, especially if you give us half of your money."

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him!

   When my mother in-law said she wants to be creamated. I immediatley made her an appointment for next week.

   There's nothing to FEAR, but the book FEAR itself

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: "So he was medium build, grey hair, grey eyes, grey tie, a grey suit and grey shoes?" DOG: "Correct"

   For the ladies that cook bacon in a microwave you aint gone never have a man...

   My Girlfriend said she's leaving in the morning because of my "Wham" obsession! I replied... "wake me up before you go go"

   Sorry to announce my pet mouse 'Elvis' has just died!..he was caught in a trap!

   If the B in LGTB stands for Bi doesn't that mean there are only two genders?

   When your lawyer's, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know things must be bad.

   To coup or not to coup may one day be the question.

   I cut the swooshes of my nike socks and sold them to my neighbours wife to use as eyebrows.

   They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.

   I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.